Monthly Archives: June 2017

What Makes Up an Enviable Relationship

Everyone desires a healthy relationship, but not everyone works towards achieving it. Achieving a healthy relationship is a responsibility that lies on the shoulder of both parties involved. If someone asks you what are the things that can contribute to a strong and fulfilling relationship, you may probably have a lot to say in order to make your point. You can make good points by saying, love each other, build trust, never try to cheat, be honest and so on. However, I have seen men telling me that they have tried all these things out in their relationship and yet things did not work out well. But that’s ok, here are the things that can help you build a strong marital relationship.

IMPROVE YOUR OVERLOOKING.

Good sense makes a man slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offence. Proverbs 19:11 [RSV]

Healthy relationships are not conflict free, but they are conflict resolving. That is, there is no offence free relationship. Any relationship whatsoever, whether parents to children, husband to wife, fiancé to fiancée or whatever, there’s a place of offence. If you try as much as you can, not to offend anybody, people will offend you. While your silence is an answer to somebody, it can be an insult to another person. In your attempt to please two you can end up offending ten. Even when you don’t really mean to, the way you talk can be taken as offensive. Get this right, we live in a world surrounded by people who makes everyday life a bad or good experience. Therefore, you will without doubt be offended especially by what some people choose to do. Therefore, relationship at any level is never a conflict free affair. The only problem is that we fight to win and have points and the desired victory, instead of fighting for solutions. We need to understand that relationship combines different people with different experience, different level of exposure, norms and potentials. Our relationships must go and grow through these differences if we are going to preserve our friendship relationships constantly and continually.

In addition, true love does not exempt offences but it overlooks. Hence, it is one of the ways by which love is tested and proved. You cannot really say how much you love a man until he offends you and you find a place to forgive him and forget it. True love is demonstrated on the ground of forgiveness and overlooking. Even when it hurts so badly, love forgives and overlooks an offence. If you are going to build a strong and enviable relationship, you had better learn to at least overlook and forgive offences. You cannot continue to fuse and fume over every issue. You cannot make a lasting relationship if you kick up a fuss anytime your partner hurts your feelings. Take it or leave it, big issues are not the destroyers of our relationships but little foxes, little mistakes, little excuses, complains, bitterness, anger and resentment.

Let me go back to where we started. It says, “Good sense makes a man slow to anger, but it is his glory to overlook an offence”. Itdid not say that good sense makes a man not to get angry. If I tell you that you should never get angry, you would ever hear that one half-baked truth. It only says apply good sense when you are offended, when you get angry or hurt. Good sense is the application of your discretion when sizzle frizzles in your relationship. That is, your ability to handle issues when things are about to get out of hands. Your sense of judgment, reactions and actions must at least make sense. It is easier to be right and end up being wrong. You must apply your senses and think fast before things grow worse.

I remember when I started my courtship years back. The joy, excitement and the passion at the start of our relationship was hot like fire. You know that during the initial stages of a romantic relationship, there is often more emphasis on emotions – especially those of love, intimacy and passion- rather than the physical union and intimacy. We would always feel like seeing each other daily. We had time for phone calls, text messages, presents, cards, dating and whatever you can think about. We really love each other. However, the first four weeks of our marriage was like hell on earth. Everyday brings different challenges, disagreement and conflicts. I asked myself if I really married the same woman I used to know. Is this not the same woman I called my queen? However, I learnt my lessons by understanding that our differences are the major platforms for disagreement. So, how do I handle this? Otherwise the bend will eventually break. Nevertheless, we were able to handle issues when we realized that some issues are meant to be overlooked.

Trying to slow down sometimes and think of what to do can give you an opportunity to know how to handle issues maturely. Your spouse may see things from another perspective different from yours. But how will you understand his points when you are not careful to observe them. When you are not patient, it does not take eternity to spoil what you have spent your years building. Good sense gives you the ability to control your temper, calm down and decide the proper approach. Good sense makes a man slow to anger, but it is his glory to overlook an offence”. Consider the concluding part of that scripture. It is your glory to overlook an offence. It means, after you have carefully observed the situation at hand, you end up being celebrated for your judgment. You may even realize that it is not an issue that should bring disagreement. Sometimes silence can be the best answer when noise fills the air.

Do you know that building a house is not as costly as maintaining it. Building is the ultimate, but maintenance is immediate, forever and continual. The same is applicable to our relationship. Finding someone you love is not as difficult as keeping what you find. Maintaining relationship is a work on its own. A work in progress. You can manage and build an enviable relationship when you realize that some mistakes, errors, and issues must be overlooked. It may be difficult but it is a task that must be carried out. It can only be difficult when you want to win. That is why you may criticize and blame until your anger begins to burn more and more. To overlook an offence does not make you stupid. It is your glory and respect when you take such steps. It is an honor of a wise man.

In addition, love is an outward expression of an inward impression. The outward expression here is what you sacrifice in order to prove your love to your spouse. The wrong you are able to make right. The mistakes you are able to overlook, the unbearable you are able to bear, and the unacceptable you may likely accept. The inward impression there is your true love that you can never trade for anger, resentment, malice and unforgiveness. Love that cannot be denied because of offences. This love impression is there to convince you that the action that provokes your anger is not intentional. Therefore, you must disregard the mistakes and move on. Overlooking is disregarding an action that displeases your personal opinion and upsets you. Disregard here means to treat the matter as unimportant or unintentional.

Take this for example; your partner is a talking type. While he cracks jokes with you he embarrassed you in the presence of your friends. Do you then react immediately in the public in order to show your displeasure? No. At times, there are opportunities to talk but there is no words and when there are enough to say, there is no time for it. Therefore, you will create time to discuss that issue later. Even when others respond by saying that it is embarrassing, you must shun their opinion and treat it as a joke. Just say, he really didn’t mean it. Learning to disregard faults can preserve the future and build a healthy relationship.

However, true love does not dissimulate your real feelings and enthusiasm. It does not mean you can’t get angry. Remember, you are yourself you cannot be someone else. You cannot hide your reactions and anger you must only control them. Uncontrollable anger will have effect on your relationship. The scripture says, “Disregarding another person’s faults preserves love; telling about them separate close friends”. Proverbs 17:9. This means that it is easier for close friends to separate if there is no disregarding or overlooking in their love life.

How can you do this? Control your temper.

Do you think the bible teaches that we should not get angry? No. It only says …in your anger do not sin. Ephesians 4:26. i.e. If you are angry be sure it is not a sinful anger. Don’t give the devil a foothold in your relationship. A bad temper is not something to be proud of, but to be prayed over. When you blow your top, you just reveal your content says one man. And which of us hasn’t done that and regretted it?

Let me be more sincere here. I am not saying that you have to overlook everything. No. Will a man overlook infidelity, dishonest practices, cheat and maltreatment? No, of course not. That is already beyond boundaries, but such acts must be handled differently, which we may be able to discuss here. But on this aspect of overlooking, note this points.

  1. Misdirected anger may open doors to an attack on your relationship. The unexpected will always happen but handling requires wisdom.
  2. Bad temper will make you loose too much. It will becloud your sense of judgment. And if all you have is a hammer in your hand, then every problem looks like a nail to you. Therefore, you are ready to crucify your spouse.
  3. The greatest sacrifice you can make in your relationship is to forgive. Forgiveness brings peace, strong bond and unity. Always find a place to forgive in your heart.
  4. Try not to keep issues too long. When things get out of hands, summon courage and come together with your partner to settle it. Don’t delay in settling misunderstanding.
  5. When you are wrong, don’t be indecisive to apologize. Even when your apology won’t undo the wrong you have done, it will amend the situation. “Sorry” is a five character word, but it has power to amend things when we are ready to make good use of it. Do that when it is necessary. “Sorry” is a universal language that has the power to amend situation. The power only lies in the hand of whoever will make use of it wisely. So, the question is when last have you make good use of it?
  6. Practice patient, it is an enduring doctor; it will always win and find it way to the top. Learn how to tolerate each other. Be patient with each other, because this is a necessary ingredient and recipe for love spices.
  7. Take time to study your partner to know what he wants from you. We offend ourselves mostly because we don’t really know what the other guy like or dislike.

Olatunji Richard Martins is the CEO/ Founder of [http://spiceupyourtruelove.com], a site created out of passion for singles & married people who are seeking for fulfillment in their love life, relationship & home. We are committed to give you godly counsel, advice and support necessary to achieve your dreams & goals in your relationship and home.

We believe that anybody who visits this site is searching for happiness in life and we are committed to give them just that, through the information posted on our site. Moreover we do not teach people what we don’t do or know, or tell them to do what seems impossible in their relationship matters. Program is organized monthly tagged “Singles Complete and Whole”. Where singles and married listen to relationship matters.

Is Your Relationship Healthy

A healthy relationship is what we all want, someone who we can enjoy life with and grow old together. A healthy relationship is not something that comes automatically, it is a work in progress that grows richer with each passing year. The health of a relationship can be judged by a great many factors such as trust, honesty and vulnerability. A healthy relationship requires a high level of communication and co-operation between partners, not everyone is willing to commit to this, those that do enjoy happy, fulfilling relationships. So, is your relationship healthy?

Whilst opposites do attract and can probably result in some wonderful relationships, the ones that tend to stand the test of time are those where the partners have something in common. This could be shared interests, similar beliefs or anything that gives them common ground on which they can build. If you do not anything in common then find activities that you can both enjoy and share together.

There are some dark relationships which are decidedly unhealthy. These are where one partner is a victim of emotional or physical abuse. In both cases it is difficult for the victim to break free because the abuser makes them dependent on them. If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship then please try and help them break free.

If you do not communicate then you do not just have an unhealthy relationship, it is debatable whether you have a relationship at all. If your relationship is a healthy one you will share thoughts, ideas, emotions, your lives. You both have wants and needs from the relationship so you need to be able to communicate these to your partner, otherwise, how will they know? You have to listen to each other when they talk, what they are saying is important to them, so it should be even more important to you. It does not matter if you do not agree with what they are saying, whilst they are talking you need to give the the respect that they are due and listen without interruption.

Each of you may be separate individuals but you are both equal halves of the relationship with an equal responsibility to make it work. If there is something that needs doing you should just do it without thought for praise or reward. Is your relationship healthy? It is if you are working together as a team to do what is best for your relationship. Do not think about what is best for you the individual, think about what is best for us and how the relationship can be further enhanced.

If you have a partner who is always criticizing you in private or public, trying to blame you for everything, and maybe even making you believe that you are to blame then strongly consider calling time on the relationship. In a healthy relationship, your partner is there to support you and give you the respect that you deserve. If you make a mistake or in the heat of the moment if you say something hurtful then you take responsibility for your actions and apologise. The chances are that when a problem arises that you have probably both share the blame, if you partner is unable to take responsibility for their actions why should you take all the blame?

No matter how perfect your relationship you will find yourself in conflict with your partner. This does not mean that you do not like them, it simply means that you both have a significant difference of opinion. Conflict can make or break a relationship depending on how you deal with it. In an unhealthy relationship you might ignore problems and let them spiral out of control, on the other hand you might indulge in screaming matches that leave you feeling drained and dispirited and doing nothing to resolve your problems. If you take the healthy relationship route, you will both site down and calmly and rationally work your ways through your problems, looking to find a solution or compromise that you are BOTH happy with.

Is your relationship healthy? If you love and respect your partner, and let them know it in word and deed. If you feel valued at all levels within your relationship. If you love your partner for the unique individual that they are and do not try to change them. If you share your thoughts, hopes, dreams and emotions. If you spend quality time doing things together, enjoying each others company and having fun. If your relationship brings you happiness and joy. Then my friend, you have a healthy relationship.

Being a student of life I thought it about time to get my ideas down in the hope that they will help people with whatever difficulties they are facing. If you want to read further help and guidance in dealing with relationship problems then my site might be able to help. Whatever your situation I wish you luck.

A Conscious Union The Ultimate Relationship

In the past year I have endlessly blogged and chatted to radio hosts about the intricacies of intimate relationships from communication styles to self observation, with unending awe as I explore the certain mysteries of love and how it affects us all. There are heaps of experts and books out there written by amazing people way more qualified than me about the psychology and technical workings of relationships, but it is my calling to offer you help in this wonderland of life, so it got me wondering, just what is a Conscious Union?

What has been emerging, as Conscious Union earns her place in the “New Earth” jigsaw, is a honing and fine tuning of ingredients that go to make up a conscious relationship and how it is the closest thing to “happily ever after” that we will ever see within our existing DNA structure!

So let me take you on a journey around a conscious relationship. If you are in one already then I don my hat to you and say well done…you are helping to pioneer the new relationship paradigm for future generations who understand the meaning of authentic love. If you are in a relationship but wonder if it sizes up then read on. If you are single, this will give you the goal posts within which to aim high for your next relationship!

The recipe:

1) Two fully committed people who are willing to help each other heal and grow from the past.

Human beings are a complex set of cells with a huge range of needs and wants, even though some of us don’t say! From birth it is a near impossible task for any parent to meet the needs of their child 24/7 and to ensure their protection and safety from life, hence at some stage our childhood would have experienced a good few negative situations that may have become ingrained in our psyche and can stunt our childhood growth on the spot. Along comes our intimate relationships later in life which are fertile ground for healing from these ingrained experiences. But in order to heal, the wound needs to show itself and nothing quite like this kind of relationship, fires our need to look at these pain spots and allow them to surface and clear. Many people through lack of understanding of this occurring dynamic will assume that experiencing this kind of pain means “oh no my relationship is on the rocks” or “he/she is so not right for me” when in fact your partner is your directional arrow to what you need to look at together. This is the key ingredient in conscious love. It takes time, oodles of patience, compassion and willingness to stay open to whatever comes each day.

2) Two people who encourage full authenticity to be re-born in each other.

Love and approval is the human blueprint for life but from birth to now many of us lose the essence of our original nature by doing what we feel we need to do to be loved. Love and safety are life saving as children, without them the feeling is one of death and the motivating emotions that keep us as far away as possible from this fear, keep us chained in a symbiotic dance between trying to be loved and our drive to be authentic. Imago call our adolescent self the “fragmented” self because we have evolved disowning and denying parts of our full humanness in order to be approved of. Children see their parents as role models for life and no matter how “wounded” our parents and their parents before them, we believe that to not express anger or to “be seen and heard” etc. is the right way to be and so we endlessly try to be good little beings and then we’ll be loved..right?! Sadly not, but like mice on a wheel we are programmed to press the “please love me” button over and again. Deep down however in the engine room of our being is the constant reminder, as Grace nudges us, that we are here to be authentic. Our relationships are a fertile ground for re-entry into authenticity. Conscious relationships positively encourage it! How? Well we must provide the safety and comfort for each other at all times to allow the emergence of wholeness. It takes a lot of time, encouragement and commitment..have you got what it takes?

3) Two people who are self aware and willing to take responsibility for every action and input into the relationship.

Sadly many people have the unconscious view that everything their partner does is either right or wrong and the focus is outside of themselves. They transmit feelings and emotions adhoc without due care of the relationship with a one way focus. When all is going great it’s easy but when conflict strikes all hell often breaks loose as the victim and perpetrator archetypes play out their next scene. “She is never interested in sex not matter what I do….he never listens to me and never bothers to understand my point of view” There are many war crys but a war has two sides and one can’t war if the other isn’t engaged. A conscious relationship always asks “what am I doing to create this situation and what can I do to help it get better?” Blaming and shaming is like an 80’s haircut…it’s old and outmoded! Self awareness for me IS consciousness. We are constantly aware of the world around us but we randomly select what we do and don’t put our awareness on. I see people in their twilight years who have never chosen self awareness and everyone around them is either too scared to tell them what they need to look at or are worn out from trying. A sad situation and like a diseased cell in the human body! Be self aware…it’s a revelation and a miracle all at once. Someone once said to me “the journey of yourself is the most rewarding one you will ever take”, so why spend all the time looking out the window?

4) Two people willing to change unhelpful behaviours.

All of our relationships are our mirrors. The way people react to us is a huge directional arrow to where we are at with our behaviour. If we act like a badly behaved child and speak in venomous tones to people then what are we expecting? My mum always says, “put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine how you would feel”. Ancient but sound advice. In your relationship you do need to understand and get a grip of bad behaviour. Change is required. It’s common sense really, otherwise your relationship suffers constant erosion. My father was compelled to behave badly in his marriage to mum and the effects are a book load of sad stories. So unnecessary.

5) Two people who use kind communication verbally and physically and who can navigate the waters of conflict with ease.

Communication is the life blood of every relationship, period! It is absolutely possible to become authentic and say what you really need to say with kind words and body language. The problems start when people are triggered during an argument and often at lightning speed and reacting badly has become the pattern. It’s here that full reigns on how we act must be deployed. I was a fine one for shooting my mouth off if I was pissed off with my partner but reacting with bad words and behaviour is so much harder work! More common sense really! I teach the Intentional Dialogue tool as a great way to find a calm platform for conscious communication.

6) Two people who are educated about relationship dynamics.

Do you know about the distinct phases of a relationship and what’s happening in your body during the honeymoon and conflict stages? Are you aware that you choose partners who are designed to bring up your stuff so you can look at it from the past? What conflict style do you take and how does that affect your partner? Are you aware of your relationship space? These and many more things are the important resources of information that must be read and digested in your conscious relationship library. This information was instrumental in my own awakening. Never before had I understood that I knew so little about what goes on in relationships and by just by being in one didn’t give me the insight. This forms the essence of my work with couples and singles who seek conscious relationships.

7) Two people who strive to maintain connection through all relationship weathers.

We can all do a great relationships when its’ going well but bad emotional weather will strike at sometime in everyone’s lives because life is always happening as we walk our path together. Life is designed to ebb and flow with the cycles of the Universe and a conscious relationship knows that when things ebb, relationship connection is paramount. It is easy to let life sweep us apart and to be too busy to talk or spend quality time together, but the velvet nature of connection is an elixir. Yes it takes effort but next time you feel like ignoring the relationship because you are too shattered to speak…take a moment to do something appreciative…even if it’s a little note or an “I love you”. Connection is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

8) Two people who are dedicated to allowing the otherness in each other with freedom to grow separately and together.

Unconscious relationships control and dominate. Conscious relationships know that each person was born separate and “other” and their ultimate goal is to be separately connected not symbiotically connected. Need prevents freedom. Love encourages freedom. But here’s where we come unstuck at this stage in our conscious awakening. I believe intimate relationships are still conditional to hugely varying degrees and so freedom varies accordingly. Allowing freedom to “be and become” is a sore spot for many because there is so much fear about losing love once we are in love. We plant labels like “my girlfriend, my husband” etc. which suggests ownership of the other. Unconscious rules start to develop about what each person should do or not to do in the relationship and a stifle can begin to develop. This part of the conscious relationship recipe, I think, is the toughest, but with tender loving care blended with all of the above we can and will get there!

9) Two people who housekeep their relationship space regularly and are vigilant about nurturing it’s quality.

Hedy Schliefer always refers to the relational space between a couple and helps them focus on it as the barometer for relationship health. Like a walled garden of Eden, where the children and the animals live, it’s space and quality and energy are critical to the health of a conscious couple. We communicate largely with energy. Have you ever walked into a room and could cut the atmosphere with a knife? Energy always speaks the truth but often underlies the words and actions in a relationship. The conscious couple strives to maintain a peaceful and happy relationship space so the energetic truth matches the spoken words.

10) Two people who know that it is what they give to the relationship rather than what they take from it, that helps them heal and grow.

Healing and growth, as I mentioned earlier, is a game for two. You can do all the self development you like but your intimate relationship will trawl up all your unhealed fears, worries and pain from the past. It is designed to do this! Conscious relationships know that it is their job to help the other heal and grow not to take what “I need”. This sets up a beautiful cycle of mutual giving and nurturing which dispels any need to “get my needs met”. Trust me it works…I am living proof. What I have with my beloved is a fertile ground of healing and growth every day.

So there you have it. The essential ingredients for a Conscious Union. The only way to love and be loved in these changing times. Open your eyes and look back down the road that you have come from and know that you are fully deserving every day to have a conscious relationship. No matter who you are or what you have experienced you have what it takes to create one. With a dash of self awareness and a tablespoon of willingness to change what needs to be changed, you too can learn to love authentically.

Blessings and love

I am a relationship educator and motivational speaker on the subject of love and a qualified Unity Hatha Yoga teacher specialising in partner yoga, teaching couples how to re-connect through the very powerful use of non-verbal dialogue. I am also a natural therapist offering spiritual guidance and healing tools as a way to discovering the true self and healing from the past. I am not a counsellor or psychologist but I would say, an expert in falling in love and getting hurt. I have a 25 year portfolio of experience in love relationships, which I often fondly reflect on and am now the proud owner of. I don’t have any major sob stories to tell you, but it is true that I have allowed my heart to take a beating a few times. I wanted to know why I was so strongly attracted to the “wrong” men that were non-committal and dangerous for the female heart. During a trip to India in 2007, someone said to me “You must become the person you want to attract Gina”. It was a revelation. I set about self education and reading all the books I could get my hands on about love and why we do the things we do. The result? It is ALL about me and what we give out we get back. Seems so simple but how many of us REALLY know what to do about it?

Relationship 10 Principles For Success

On the path to self mastery we must each address how to deal with relationships. The most common of course would be the relationships pertaining to love, courtship, commitment and marriage. Though different feelings are at play during each of these phases there are certain principles that are important during the interplay between all the personalities involved. These principles are in no way exclusive to amorous relationships, they can be applied to a variety of relationships.

These principles would encompass Trust, Honesty, Communications, Listening, Patience, Respect, Priorities, Commitment, Planning, Follow Through. These Principles are the foundation of any and all relationships.

Trust:

Whether you are dealing with a spouse, lover, friend, associate, work partner, family member or any other individual there must be a mutual trust in order for a relationship to be on solid footing. It is incumbent on you to instill trust and have trust in the other person or the relationship will eventually fall apart.

Honesty:

Any relationship that is not rooted in honesty will cause confusion and the personalities involved will soon assume that whatever is said may not be truthful, therefor the first principle of trust will never develop.

Communications:

One of the biggest problems with relationships is the lack of communications. It is perhaps the principle that is most neglected and the one that should be the anchor for a successful relationship. In some cases what is said can be destructive and other times what is not said leads to a breakdown that ends in a breakup. It is through communications that the principles of trust and honesty are established. Every effort should be made to communicate honestly without being obnoxious or destructive.

Listening:

In order to for a relationship to flourish those that are involved must develop the habit of listening. When you are predisposed to just thinking of yourself the other persons concerns are not addressed and important information might be ignored. Listening is an art.You will find that the more you listen to others and comment on their feelings the stronger the relationships grow.

Patience:

Relationships take time. They grow with time as those who enter into a relationship will slowly learn the depth of their feelings. In the process judgments can be made as to the worthiness of that relationship.

Respect:

Any relationship worth having must have a mutual respect. That respect must be inwardly as well as outwardly. When one person disrespects another in front of others (even jokingly) it is inappropriate and detrimental to that relationship.

Priorities:

If the individuals concerned have a different set of priorities then there will be a strain in that relationship. The importance of communicating and listening are the two principles which play a greater part of determining those priorities. Depending on how intense their priorities are will determine the success of that relationship.

Commitment:

A strong relationship must have mutual commitments. Whether it be as life partners or business partners there has to be a commitment on all sides. This commitment is made after the parameters of the relationship is established. Too often there is a lopsided commitment and problems arise from those disparities. Again it is important to communicate honestly and listen intently so there is no confusion as to the degree of commitment.

Planning:

Once things start falling in line and all parties communicate their needs, expectations and commitments then it would be wise to set up a plan to keep the relationship on track. When talking about planning it is necessary to put aside time. All relationships need defined periods of time for success. Marriage, sexual as well as platonic relationship, business affiliates and friendships need segments of time where there is interaction and communication.

Follow Through:

Once everything is communicated, committed to and agreed upon it is imperative that it be followed through. Too often relationships are destroyed because one of the parties does not fulfill their part of the relationship. Sometimes this is the result of outside influences, prior commitments, work obligations and things that crop up unexpectedly, however to develop good relations there must be some mechanism in place to deal with changes. This should be developed during the planning stage of the relationship.

Much of what I have written here is generic however the principles apply to any relationship involving love, lust, or social interaction with spouses, lovers, children, siblings, family, co-workers, friends, and supervisors. Following these core principles should help you to develop and maintain a good relationships or to discover that the relationship was not appropriate. I should also stress that one need not seek perfection in developing relationships since we are all human and have our own shortcomings. These principles are intended as guidelines and subject to individual perceptions of others.